angst

2004-06-01T10:07:00.000-05:00

soooooooooooooooooooooooooomeeee WHHHHHHERE over the rainBOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW waaaaaaaaaaay uuuuup HIIIIIIgh theres a place that i heArd oF oooonce in a lullabye...

ok
rock a by baby in the treetop
when wind blows the cradle will rock
when the brough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come baby
cradle and all

wtf? why do we sing this to our children? its so demented and scary and that is what we sing to our children to make them go to sleep? its absurd!

that was spurred on by the fact that ive been around alot of babies lately and you know what im convinced those kids are being over stimulated. i was playing with my friend jens baby christopher and holy shit. all of his toys had a gabizzilion colors and flashing lights and music and buttons and no matter which way you turned there were lights colors sound action! and then to top it all off he had a little shiny spinny thing over his head and baby beethoven in the back round. ok so ur kid might end up smart but holy shit will he be bored. hell need like 300 types of stimuli around him to keep him occupied and hed prolly be really add too bein all like oo shiny...synphony...ball...chew ring...jump up and down on the key board...

oh yeah and i went to mcdonalds the other day for a happy meal and dude they gave out little video games. wheres the need for imagination these days? people used to have to drag me inside and now the kids dont want to go out and play? they want to sit in front of their little laptops and play games there?? wtf? i mean i used to have to pay money for those types of ghetto little black over tan screened things. hell i still think i have my aladin and power rangers around here somwhere. dude i feel so oooold. *sigh*

2004-06-01T10:03:00.000-05:00

dude i really like this new format its a lot more user friendly if you know what i mean. its weird man i gotta get online more but its like impossible here cause my sissys compy is so damn slow. oi. oi vey? hmmm what shall i babble about today. ohhhhh ok whats really wrong with littering? i mean sure its dirty.... but so is dirt and no one really has a problem with that on the road. see what i dont get is a paper cup isnt going to go damage the environment anymore than that asphalt road so whats the big damn deal? is it just cause its ooooogly? and dude landfills? who came up with that idea? and arent we running out of room for trash? maybe we should make robots...yeah ROBOTS that can sort through the landfills and dig out the organic stuff for decomposition into fertilizer, and get all the metal for recycling, the paper and glass too. i mean other than baby diapers what else is left? whooooOOoo.o

2004-06-01T09:57:00.000-05:00

duuuude im at CMU right now. the compys here rock cause at my sisters house they are too ghetto to use cause things get layered and links dont work and we have DIAL UP....for shame. neway its kind of sad here i am supposed to volunteer and im just chillin in a lab waiting for my brothers friend lori to get back so i can go clean up hamster shit and the like. btw i appologize for not posting more reguarly.

dude i did the funniest fucking thing last night. i did BUNS AND ABS of STEEEEL with my sister...and for part of it my large and in charge brother. you see...aerobics is alot harder than it looks cause ok IMAGINE... your marching with those spandex clad cheerleaders and then BOOM they start doin some jazz step...it takes you a second to figure it out but pretty soon your feeling pretty competent. but then they throw in some weird arm thing a hip roll spins rock steps and your left standing there being like WHAT THE HELL??? ok and thats just you. now to your right is my sister. ok. now pretend shes white. very white. with the rhythm of a....penguin. yes the rhythm of a penguin. then to your left is my 240lb martial artist brother who has this strange stupid peppy look plastered on his face. and then on the couch is my brother's pregnant wife who is just having the time of her life watching us make complete asses of ourselves. i feel as if i should have taped this scene. it was just so damn priceless.

2004-05-04T21:38:00.000-05:00

"yes i am a hypocrite welcome to adolescence." "u know i really like me. as arrogant bitchy self concieted and hypocritical as it sounds i really do." im glad im still young. im in one of those moods where i really love being a kid. i didnt really do nethin to exciting today and we kicked maja bootay in soccer today. well ok we lost but hey we played great. maybe i wanna run away to never never land on a grand pink pony and never grow up. i can sleep on a bed of daisys and bathe in the sun....if only if only. i wonder how things will turn out. who people will be. *sigh* such ponderous thoughts. i must return to pittsburgh. a little less than 3 weeks n ill be back at kings downin the kitchen sink. where has the time gone? i was bullshittin on the phone with an old friend of mine on sunday. what happened to the days that i spent down in the woods, climin a few trees. catchin a couple cray fish. not a care in the world. mayhaps i dont want to grow up. damn what was that song....eh. u know what i found today?? a really lovely picture of me and a bunch of friends laughin. :) it needs to be summer dontcha know. then i will have no urge to try and be anally mature as bobie might say. ill indulge in my childish delights. i wonder what all the big shit in life is? life love and liberty? so far im perty set. maybe now i gotta do is ummmm.....finish my sculpture. of eleanor. im going to turn her bubies into a money holder. hmmm gotta take more art classes. artsy fartsy. heh. i do like coffee. u knwo what would be fun? climbing in that HUGE foam pit! that should be post prom. hehe. u know what was really fun today? running across the lacross field with nothing but the sky above me. yay. of course i was only heading towards the portapotty but hey for a few moments things were very nice. and on my return LUCY SCOORRRRED. yeah rock. go bison cheer. heh heh no one cares cause nones of u is soccer folks. gotsta love those endorphins. grr my cat is being a bratwurst. hes trying to eat my foot. PINK is a weird artist. uh huh. she is. i wonder what my hair would look like PINK. bad. very very bad. speaking of which im surprisingly excited about prom. i dont know why i love dances so...but i do. and lots o my underclassmen buds are goin so all the better. i dont see why ppl stress over it tho. i mean hey if i dont get a dress i can always wear the one my big sissy gave me. yah. that reminds me. i havent talked to a friend of mine in a long time. im worried about her. but its her life. *sigh* so helpless. i think i should volunteer at planned parenthood. that would be nice. i mean im not exactly pro abortion but im most definately pro birth control. baaaah tooo many ppls. gr. dude u know whats nummy? avacados. i dont know when i started lovin them but i do their green gooeyness is soooo ADICTIVE. its like ummmmmmmm i dno what its like. maybe oranges. i wonder. i wonder whats in a wonder ball. i havent made a lovely babbly post like this in a while. nope nope i havent. hey what happened to that gel pen craze. that used to be da PIMPTEST. bah ino why im writing this. i dont wanna write my history paragraph. ooOOOooo u know whats the bessssstest sedative? ENGLISH reading. maybe cause im havin a hard time getting into the book or im just tired by the time i start but damn i was out b4 11. baaaaaaaaahhhhh gotta have dat spa day. i can make lots o MULA yah. yah yah. dude i wonder what ever happend to jerg? hes from holland. i dont know how to spell his name but he was funny. i wonder what ever happened to him. dawn would know. i miss dawn. i should chill with her sometime. *sigh* where has all the time gone? bah why do i miss so damn many people. gr. gr. gr. tigger? MERRY??? damn. ok no more bloggin im just getting sullen.

2004-05-04T20:49:00.000-05:00

globalization is an interesting process, while on one hand it seems to have spurned a great deal of homogenization (sp?) it also has allowed minority to meet minority and further these minor sects. i think the major problem with capitalism is the attitude of our benefit at any cost. should we have placed sweat shops in third world countries? who knows? but now that theyre there we cant just take them away, they are one of the few sources of income. if globalization has the momentum i aspect it to we need to question the long term benefits. although a sweat shop creates nice soccerballs hand stitched by 12 yr olds, those 12 yr olds probably will never have the money to buy one new. so perhaps henry ford, with all his faults had a point. as did the producerists. a fair share of profits. its funny being idealistic because i have absolutely no idea how to implement any such system because such ideals are highly fragile and easily subverted. i mean some companies have been very sucessful. i believe Newmans Own's profits all go to charitity. but i mean a great many public works in pittsburgh were founded on the maimed immigrants of carneiges steel factories. for many years it was possibly one of the worst places to live but just a few years ago it was voted best city in america to live in. its all give in take. the question is which end do we cut short.

2004-05-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

btw i havent read gertfrobes previous posts, but u sound a hell of a lot like a particular friend of mine's mother who currently is not held in the highest regard in a number of circles. she has posed a great deal of blame for other's actions on me, and i have been blamed for not being able to keep her child out of trouble when there was very little i could have done. choices are only individual to an extent and i believe this strongly, but there has to be some responsibility. do i blame the system for societies problems? sure why not. but i mean alot of it is on our shoulders were going to have to do something, and im not talking some great revolution just a bit of change in our victimized attitude. the taliban for example were placed in power by us. they were "freedom fighters" and were armed against the soviet union by US. (this was just covered in US history so if im wrong forgive me) and now they are the newfound terrorists.

2004-05-04T20:33:00.000-05:00

oh i admit strongly to being a hypocrite. if u have read my posts i say that fairly often. do i buy into our capitalist society. i personally think that capitalism is the way to go, i mean im not going to make any value judgement of living in a dirt hut and eating bugs but hell i like stuff. in fact i like lots and lots of stuff. communism is a great idea but only so far as an idea because it fails to factor in many key parts of human nature, for example greed. am i greedy? yes. do i like the fact that my house has two stories, i have a computer, clean water and food at every moment through out the day. hell yes. i mean i understand the prosperity that capitalism gives us. i mean my mother in particular grew up without electricity, running water, her food was rations and their idea of health care was rubbing insense ash into an open wound. i mean cmon now. my great grandmother was buried alive. i have a disclaimer on the edge of this blog for a reason, this is where i rant and rave the majority u cant take serious. its just be babbling along. i love dry ice. if u take a look at my room its full of shit with no purpose other than being shiny. i go shopping every other week or so. i recently bought 100 bucks worth of clothes i dont really need. i dont know why my accumulation of worthless shit brings me so much joy but it does. thats what im questioning. why i am the way i am. why people are the way they are. personally i find this a more productive activity than doing a few lines of coke. id rather not find out how my teeth can go numb.

2004-05-02T22:53:00.000-05:00

oh about the drama queens ending up pregnant and living in a trailer. i dont know what ur definition about drama queen is but thats far from where i see most of them. i see most of them growing up and learning to live without all the excessive shit. i see some of them becoming writers i see some of them becoming actresses. i see some becoming pre-school teachers. i see some being cashiers. i see some being waitresses. i see some of them going places. i see some of them going nowhere. its not like who u are in highschool determiines who u are in life. lets hope we change. i mean DAMN i sure as hell dont want to stay this stupid and ignorant. thats like saying every computer geek is going to end up a 39 year old virgin living in his mothers basement running a .com.

2004-05-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

GertFrobe:
interesting that you are concerrned about the reputation that precedes you and your friend, have you ever thought about your role in this?
All your pondering and debating the "rules" of this society, don't you encourage your friend in her drama? "Why is it we have to listen to teachers?, what is tardy anyway" (is this not your philosophy) you drone on about how smart you while she acts on all your ideas and creates the drama that is destructive to her and you. With this don't you encourage to be disrespectful to herself, her school and her parents, perhaps a good friend would try to help her rather than enable her? Consider this dont most drama queens end up pregnant and livng in a trailer?

since u seem to know exactly who her is..and since on this one i had no one in particular...and i have a feeling with certain details u mentioned who exactly ur talking about...would gertfrobe care to email me sometime at armygurl131@hotmail.com so we can have a bit of a chit chat with my enabling of people to hurt themselves?

i think this comment deserves a good response. as i said in this comment this post was spurred by a late night conversation with a friend of mine that is surprisingly mellow and so im inclined to question exactly what spurs on the frustration of gertfrobe. i will proudly admit that i do question the rules of our society, but i have always felt that this is very much an intellectual activity and an excercise in further understanding our place in the world. for example the tardy comment, i admit i personally have a great deal of trouble getting up in the morning, and after PE occasionally a shower takes longer than expected, and sometimes when u REALLLLLLLLY gotta go u gotta go (and usually unless theyre uber mean or ur late EVERY DAY u get off if its nature callin)... but i do make a great effort to be on time. being repeatedly/excessively tardy is disrespectful to everyone it shows ur lack of regard for the flow of the class and really does detract from the already fragile attention.

as for the listening to the teachers, whether we like it or not we are a part of society. why be a rule breaker when there is nothing wrong with the rules? why rebel against something for the sake of rebelling. i very much think we should listen to teachers, even if their advice is not the best, according to ur own sense of style of writing for example, the great majority do have something to offer even if it is only a new point of view. a better question is why we listen to things in writing more than in simple discourse? just because someone writes a book about something it all of a sudden means they know something about it? who knows they could be making it all up and ti could be a load of bs. but hey if the majority believes it it might as well be truth because if its on something that had no cold hard facts this fabricated point of view could very well become the truth. i personally am quite pleased with almost all of my teachers this year. mr vaughn and mr rayburn in particular have been really great. o and really whats so bad about being a conformist. id like to say right now that i am wearing a stretch denim knee length skirt by doll house. i wrap shirt from meerakesh. with a black tank top underneath. i have a cingular cellphone and my hair up in a messy bun. far from the image of a rebel. today i sat around my house watched last of the mohicans for a history paper. watched the princess bride with french subtitles cause i felt like it. ate about 30 dumplings drank a sprite. went to china town buffet with eric and shanes family. came home and chilled on aim doin some anthro hw n bullshittin. i mean all these ideas about running around with unshaven legs, no deoderant, with war paint are jsut ideas. im not exactly the biggest rebel around. in fact im pretty with the grain in a lot of ways. not all of em but most.

i cannot say that i am so me infallible guru that has never encouraged someone to do something that was in the long run detremental but for hte most part i feel that i give good advice. rule number one if ull regret it DONT DO IT. rule number two if ur not sure...and its something permanent DONT DO IT...theres always time later when ur more sure of ur course of action...if it wont matter in 2 months dont stress too much over it most likely it will be ok. DRUGS ARE BAD (unless u take them as ur doctor prescribed) prescriptioin pills will FUCK U UP. while im not a big opponent of either weed or alcohol (i can say truthfully that i have never been high or drunk) THEY CAN FUCK U UP BAD TOO i feel that one should never EVER use them to solve a problem. they will only make it worse. im serious on this one. theyre expensive...detrimental...impaire ur judgement ESPECIALLY IF UR AREADY MESSED UP AND THATS WHY UR DOING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE DUMMY. never let these things control u. i dont htink 3 beers will do u any harm but drinking urself into oblivion is retarded. it solves nothiing it makes u feel like shit and then ppl have to clean up after ur funky ass. i dont know ive just never seen the appeal in that. i mean im dumb enough on my own. i can get myself into enough trouble without being inebriated so why make more work for myself? plus certain meds+alcohol=looney....im looney enough and have plenty of crazyness. dont need more.

i have a feeling that ur a parent and i really do thank u for commenting on my blog. i feel i need a more mature audience every once in a while. but i do not think and have never thought that a parent is infallible. i do not feel that all parents raise their children appropriately for their children. but for the most part all u moms and dads out there are doing what u think is good for ur kids. but give em a break somtimes with the "i dont like ur attitude thing" kids gotta a lot of stuff on their mind, and often its stuff they shouldnt have to deal with in the first place. so if theyre havin a bad day let them lock themselves in a room and blare the music. i understand that its a big bad world out here but unless ur son or daughter is in big trouble....doing really unsafe things ie unprotected sex...getting involved with illegal activities...hurting themselves physically...failing school...chill out most likely uve got a good kid on ur hands. sometimes u gotta loosen ur grip on the choke chain so theyll calm down.

things i definately recommend and commend u if u do so KNOW UR KIDS FRIENDS i dont mean stalking ur child while theyre around but HAVE THEM BY THE HOUSE every now and then say ur hellos and check up on them every couple of hours to make sure theyre not doin nething too dumb. DONT HOVER around cause then ull never get to know ur childs FRIENDS. most likely these are the people making up their world so if u want to UNDERSTAND them get to know THEM. oh yeah and if u let ur kids have friends over u DO know where ur kid is at and u DO know that they have parental supervision.

on the whole DRAMA sucks AASSSS. if u want something to talk about go over to a friends house and dress up the dog. play a prank. watch a movie. give someone a make over. i dont really give a shit but do something semi productive even if it is just a buch of kids pegging each other with popcorn and pillows while watching a really bad teen flick. drama gets old fast and it only breeds more things to be a pain in the ass. cmon now. we all need to grow up. me included. thats why i cnat wait till i get to b in PA again. chantelle, me liz n evan are going to go eat some goddamn icecream at kings drama free for n afternoon i swear.

oh and about me going on about something about being smart? ive never felt that ive been exceptionally smart. im above average, but i mean in the world i live in (cough UNI damn freakin geniuses with the 11 yr old in stats grrrr...) thats on the low end. i mean im intellectually dorky and im the ponderous type but im not the greatest when it comes to book smarts...ive got no common sense WHATSOVEVER...and barely above uni's average social skills. (im representing uni as a geek breeding ground) i mean i talk alot and i might try and sound like i know what im talking about but when it comes down to it its mostly talk. i like to talk out whats goin on in my head rather than trying to actually find an uninhabited island on which i can build PLATO's republic. id rather talk about eating raw meat than chowing down on the stuff. i personally like my steak medium well. ie fully cooked but not yet charred. overall i might be right i might be wrong. talk is fluid. when ive got things figured out ill publish or book or something so then im an AUTHORITY. heh heh.

respect is a good thing. i mean im not saying by any means im an angel or that im the most respectful person. ive been known to piss people off but if theres one person u should be able to respect it should be urself u know? cause u gotta look out for number one. make sure ur ok before u try and save the world. i mean ur only one person. u make a difference but u never know how or when so yeah i dont even know. see thats the big thing. I DONT KNOW. thts why i like to question societies rules. i mean lets take cannibalism for example. its not cool to eat people right? i mean hell i wouldnt do it. but if they are already dead is it really so bad if their not infested with ebola or nething. and on a purely intelleftual level do people taste like chicken? jokes jokes. here i go sounding like a damn hallmark card but u should sell urself short n u never know when ppl ud never expect could be right about stuff.

2004-05-01T01:18:00.000-05:00

note to self make drug/sex post/sex ed post/

HEY EVERYONE IM DOING A PAPER ON MENTAL ILLNESS FOR ANTRHO.... IF YA GO TO UNI EMAIL armygurl131@hotmail.com on thoughts opinions nething u want...this is a very open topic. id like to know who u are so i can ask u questions and kind of eliminate people who are just going to fuck with this and make a complete ass of themseleves but the ethnography itself will be anonymous unless a persons identity is requested to be revealed. MUCH THANKS

2004-05-01T01:16:00.000-05:00

do u ever feel like ur hiding something even though ur telling the truth? do u ever think that ur lying subconciously... well not lying but bending the truth without even knowing it because ur lying to urself. and then lying about lying to urself. and if u believe ur own lies are u actually lying to other people if what u think u think is true to u. ok that was damn confusing but i hope someone got it.

2004-05-01T01:11:00.000-05:00

once again im back on that reputation rant. does it matterwhat people think of u...or is it only what u think of urself. because sometimes their are individuals who have a fairly distorted picture of themselves and how they relate with other people. and many other people see it far differently...but do those other people count? because as my friend and i were saying the other day we are all intricately a part of each others lives. ur life has an influence on my life so arent i entitled some influence on urs? i mean often times our reputation precedes us and so people treat us as they know OF us....and sometimes this is good and sometimes this is bad. but then clearly what other people think does matter because it changes how people think of u thus treat u...thus how u feel u are treated...thus how u react...thus how they see... etc. and u know u could say oh everyone should have a clean slate every time as the solution but that has many problems as well. for example dishonesty would be a huge factore there. misleading a person to believe u are something ur not. but if u think u are...then does it matter if ur really not. because whats REAL...dAmn im back to that NORMAL/REAL thing again. i guess i never raelly understood it as a concept cause if ur completely normal ur rare and thus abnormal. bah. philosophy sometimes hurts my head.

2004-05-01T01:06:00.000-05:00

o yeah another thing for all u weirdos who dont already have my sn its armygurl131. yeah so neway time to babble some more. have u ever felt bad about being proud of something? i mean its weird...i always want to be really modest but every now and then im really proud of something i did and i always feel guilty expressing that? does neone else feel that way? like its rude not to start of u know i dno if its all that good but im really proud of myself for being able to do this. i mean is it wrong to be like hey i did a pimpass job on this go me. because sometimes u know those people...im not going to point any fingers...but for example are REALLLLLY good at drawing or something...or at a sport...and ur like OMG thats SOOO cool. ok maybe not exactly like that but u get my point. and then they dont want to accept it so their like im really not all that good. but sometimes..certainly not all the time...u can tell that they dont want to be modest...but they are anyway. OH and then there those people....*evil eye* that do the "oh this old thing" routine. i think thats farrrr worse. maybe im just being weird tonight but its strange the whole modesty arrogance thing.

2004-05-01T01:01:00.000-05:00

bah i really dont know what happened to my aim addiction but its crazy...all of a sudden it hold very very little appeal for me anymore. ive kind of moved on to the phone because then i dont get bogged up with the really i dont want to say meaningless...but less noteable conversations the hey..hey...so im bored..yeah me too... conversations. but because ive kind of eliminated that so i can pay more attention to one person and devote more energy to a particular conversation ive also lost alot in the broadness of my conversation because not that wide a range of people call me. and i really miss my psychobabble random philisophical political debates. so hey my cell doesnt have all that many minutes but if ive got the time ill definately call u up from my house fone for a little chit chat. i only say this because most people hate talking to my parents because they are kind of scary and they got REALLY bad asian accent. so if ur bored or somethin next time u catch me online ask for my cell number. id put it up here but...it is a public blog and any weirdo could call me. and thatd just be creepy. so yeah just ask.

2004-05-01T00:57:00.000-05:00

sometimes i have lots of pondering about just how ell u can know a person. u know how somethimes u get feelings about people.. but u never truely know at all.. and then one day they tell u and ur surprised but at the same time u kind of knew it was coming? i dno maybe im judgemental or maybe i just like to know how people work but i pay attention to impressions. that doesnt mean the feeling i get from the person is set in stone..because who knows theres all manner of influence. they could have been having a horrible day...they could have recently had some sort of tragedy...there distracted because there excited anxious and busy with something else. but although i take that into account i kind of take not of the feel i get from them in the sand. far from permanent but visible for the time being. ive noticecd that not to get me wrong...i have been wrong many a time..but i tend to get a fairly reasonable impression of a person the first few times i REALLY talk to them not just a hey...sup...nm conversation. i dno i cant tell if this is a good or a bad thing

2004-05-01T00:53:00.000-05:00

back to that whole idea about innocence vs experience...ignorance being bliss thing which one really is better. i mean sometimes there people that are so innocent...that i wonder so much if their going to break. just one day snap and go over the deep end. and i want to kind of ease them into the big bad pool of life before they go with a running start to do a dead dive in the deep end. i guess in this analogy (i appologize im a swimmer at heart) ive been out of the baby pool for several years. im guessing im at the five foot range. u know where if u stand on ur tip toes ur good but if a current rushes by u gotta tread a little bit to stay afloat. and sometimes if theres a big splash all of a sudden u dont have a chance to prepare urself and u get a little water up ur nose. but no big itll settle down in a bit.

2004-05-01T00:50:00.000-05:00

back to that age thing. before i went off on that lovely tangent i was going on to say what is a NORMAL 16 year old. i mean normal and average are cleearly different things. but whose more normal... the 16 yr old off at parties..having sex...experimenting with drugs..nothing too hard core....or the one that goes to a handful of parties...has a B average...fights with their parents on occasion...and has a handful of friends. or on the opposite end the completely sheltered innocent 16 yr old who has not yet been exposed to the horrors of our constructed reality?

2004-05-01T00:48:00.000-05:00

age is a very funny thing. time and place i fully beleave are relative. sokmetimes a simple room can seem so learge and looming... escepcially when it requires cleaning... and other times it can feel so small... barl able to cantain the amount of feeling in u. or it coult seem so large and empty. a void completely lacking in creature comforts. no distractiono interesting enough to hold ur attention. nothing to keep u in this wo4rld. nothing from keeping u from sinking back into that comfortable darkness.

2004-05-01T00:45:00.000-05:00

another thing is im never sure where the line is between pleasing eople and self improvement. ive realized that im fairly selfish in nature and dont go commenting on some self esteem boost crap at the moment, let me get my point across. sometimes i feel like im trying to improve certain aspects about myself, for example, my argumentative nature for good reason. sometimes...well alot of times it gets me into trouble. so ok. good thing so far. but on the other hand... that part of who i am. its part of what makes me exciting. its what kept me from being used as a door mat. i guess i just need to find that healthy balance between knowing the right time to do things. because alot of times a good fight is fun... even when both parties are serious... but other times its uncalled for unneeded and nothing but a game for m own one upmanship.

2004-05-01T00:42:00.000-05:00

ok so ino u guys are rather dissapointed in my lack of blogging so here goes. well i just had a bit of a heart to heart with several people and once again i feel like im getting to know myself more and more. for a long time i was a afraid of looking at my mistakes. i was ashamed of the different people i have been over the years but im now realizing that theres no need to be ashamed of my former stupidity, because ive learned from them. i should only be ashamed of my mistakes from which i have not yet learned and continue to repeat.

2004-03-02T22:52:00.000-06:00

u know how sushi often bothers alot of people because its raw meat? well what about cooked meat? how does burning something change the fact that it is the slowly rotting carcass of some formerly living breathing animal with siblings parents...family etc. i mean really how does cooking something change anything. then u have warm/hot dead animal. i just dont get how thats any more distanced from the living thing.

2004-03-02T22:31:00.000-06:00

u know fashion has allllways baffled me. always. i mean why can't boys wear makeup huh? or skirts? and why is it attractive to draw black circles around ur eyes...rub mud colored greasy shit all over ur face to top it off with a bunch of dust? then take some purple shit and rub it on ur eyelids...take a pair of tweezers as rip ur eyebrow hairs by the root? i mean its all very very weird. and hairstyles. why is making a knoted mess (messy bun) "cute". i mean its just a tangled mass of dead protein.

2004-03-02T22:28:00.000-06:00

oh and another thing...why is it cheaper to buy clothes than to buy fabric and supplies? i mean i was going to make a shirt because they had this nice fabric...but...the fabric cost 15 bucks a yard...and id prolly need that much since i need room to err...and i could find a shirt like it on clearance for about 5-8 dollars. sadly i wish uni offered home ec and shop classes. i like to do stuff with my hands i find it rather satisfying to be able to say yo bia i made this shiznit. or something to that effect.

2004-03-02T22:26:00.000-06:00

ok have u guys noticed that multi-purpose things are no longer fashionable? and neither are shirts that are remotely covering whether its size or opaqueness (opacity?) i mean its all a damn ploy to make us buy more shit. thats why all these damn shirts are see thru. so u have to buy two damn shirts b4 u buy one. i mean what is this shit. what happened to nice high quality thick cotton? why does it all look like its been so worn out that its 30 some years old? then places like dry ice are based completely on the concept of oooo pretty useless stuff that no one actually needs. i mean why is a piece of soap with a plastic toy inside better? and who really needs a cell phone holder? couldnt u just errr set it on a table? and why to toilet brushes have to come with an attractive stand? arent they used to scrub ur shit off a toilet?? and these damn pearl tampons with their irredecent applicators. shit ur just shoving it up ur pussy who the hell cares if the applicator is pretty?

2004-02-29T17:08:00.000-06:00

u know my attitude towards plastic surgery is like its ur body do what ud like. i mean if u were scarred in some accident u always have the choice getting a bit of help with the asthetic side and no one would look down on you. but then again what about someone that was born just really really ugly...isnt that once again not their fault..so wouldnt it be alright if they got plastic surgery neway? and what about those barbie dolls? so what if there completely plastic its their life right? well theres only only thing i have a problem with...ur gonna age one way or another so basically ur blowing thousands and thousands on thousands of dollars on something so vain..and its usually just to help your self esteem. to make u happier about urself. but wouldnt donating all that money you would spend on liposuction or a face lift be better spent helping hundreds of people dying of starvation or disease? wouldnt that make you feel alot better about urself? and that sort of spending actually does something at least mildly long lasting and life changing. and anyways isnt beauty in the eye of the beholder? whose more beautiful someone with a good heart or someone with a nice rack?

2004-02-29T16:56:00.000-06:00

i guess its kind of like communism/ capitalism some ppl have alot while some have little or everyone has about the same. the only problem i see with communism is stagnation/greedy bastards who then have a WHOLE lot while everyone else is kind of screwed. btw i think bill gates should buy all the rain forests...i think he would do alot of good if he did that

2004-02-29T16:55:00.000-06:00

have u ever noticed that some ppl seem to luck out in everything while other people are constantly screwed? or those extremely happy people while other ppl are always sad. u know sometimes i think it should all even out that way everyone is at least kind of happy, but then again wouldnt that take all the fun out of things if the world was homogenized. i mean there are some very very pretty ppl...and some very not so pretty ppl if everyone was kind of average life would be kind of dissapointing dont u think? so which is better? ups and downs or an even playing field

2004-02-27T00:38:00.000-06:00

yeah time for me to babble some more. have any of you ever really wondered if all of the history we learn is completely and utterly made up as are all the other things we learn from these teachers? i mean what is education if not brainwashing and propaganda. we already know the chemistry we learn is wrong as is most of the physics we learn but we must memorize it anyway. these dates given to us are arbitrary, who are our teachers to be an authority on such things. so what if there were accounts that said this anything from that long ago could easily be misinterpreted or taken out of context. i mean its all about the he said she said bullshit. sry bout that i just had to. i mean how do our teachers know this stuff someone else told them. and before them someone else. its like a really professional way of playing telephone and if u kids learned anyting in elementary school things get fucked up along the line. i mean look at the rumor mill that is Highschool. things go from she sat next to him to she sat on him to she was straddling him to she was having dry sex and making out with him. and im not kidding. its all rather sad that we have nothing better to really talk about. i mean look at our yearbook people can remember each and every couple. its sad. very sad.

2004-02-27T00:34:00.000-06:00

brought back to you by popular demand *drumrolll* EMISHAS INCOHERENT RAMBLINGS
dun dun dun DAAAAAH

heh heh just playin im all wired on sugar n shit because i have to get my history done all super fast and it kind sucks balls that we have test on so much shit. i mean i only store this info in short term memory. and then i cram the info in so then my head hurts and its mere regurgitation because its not like i have any real information in my notes. heh heh have u seen my notes?? THERE NOT IN ENGLISH BAAHHH! thanks what i get for sleeping in class.

2004-02-16T01:58:00.000-06:00

this year has been very very good for me socially, but with many casual friends u often run into many problems of people not getting along. lately ive been very super lucky to have several different groups of friends be able to mix and blend. its been great. but it really got me thinking. what makes people friends? is it more there likness or theyre differences? i mean are the differences between people., those attributes that compliment the others that makes then friends or is it more often the common interests attitudes and demeanors? and another interesting thing is how u can tell who a person is hanging out iwth if they start picking up little things like phrases or gestures. it appears our "nature" is to imitate those which we admire/like as people. so then how do some best friends remain polar opposites yet have the same tendencies? is it the mix of nature meets nurture? bah we know nothing.

2004-02-16T00:34:00.000-06:00

my my two weeks since ive posted. strange for one as addicted to blogging as i once was. perhaps i shall make it up these next few days seeing as i have mucho to write about. so anyway ive been thinking about just how much a class can really change ur perspective on things. like philosophy class has really affected the way i carry on conversations. i mean it teaches u a hella lot about persuasion because with philosophy i swear the whole point is to make ludacris ideas seem plausible even logical or extremely rational. and now i always out argue people by tearing down the foundations of their argument rather than refuting individual details. its all about the source of things. and its kind of bad in anthro cause im so used to asking why...rather than how. now the phrase "thats the way things are" or "thats the way i am" i find very very irksome. because theres this voice in my head thats like thats not just how they are thats how society views it its all about culture. or people that are extremely close minded and they refuse to look from another point of view...oh it drives me crazy more than it did before. im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. i mean it makes me more aware but by doing so it also makes life all the more vexing. i mean prejudice has always bothered me especially since i think i get the privilege of experiencing alot of it because it appears im colorless. ppl make racist remarks about black people, racist remarks about white people, racist remarks against asian people...and im like dude do i just like camoflauge myself into whatever group im chillin with at the moment i mean its crazy. oh another thing that bothers is that there are so many people who are unaccepting of unaccepting people. i mean thats being prejudiced to dislike all prejudiced people and then hey look ur one of them too. *sigh* why cant everyone just get along??

2004-01-31T01:03:00.000-06:00

yeah so anyway ive started writing on paper a whole lot. so now most of whats on my mind isnt going here no more. sorry. i just got lazy. but newhoos. i was thinkin. u know there are some people that hate being alone and love being around people, and then there are those opposite people who love being alone and hate crowds. I wonder how this comes about i mean. are they just born that way? or is it more enviromental factors? and thus the nature vs nurture debate. i think i lean more towards the nurture on this one tho. i mean when i was growing up i was super duper shy. but then when i was like 10 or so i wasnt allowed to be shy anymore because i was plopped into a new town with no friends. and my friend nichole from pittsburgh basically made me a biatch cause otherwise people would have walked all over my quiet shy polite self. another thing that made me unshy was returning to pittsburgh each year and finding all these new people in places where i used to be. like imagine waking up in the morning, stumbling to ur kitchen in ur pjs only to find a strange sweaty man on ur couch. well turns out im the only one home...and theres still this strange skinny sweaty man on my couch. so turns out he works out with my brother who left to pick something to fix the punching bag downstairs. i get this from being blunt and asking "who are u?" and of course offering him some lucky charms. i mean its really the easiest way of getting to know people, however crass it may seem. but neway i became outgoing because it was really just the easiest way to go. i could have sat there in a very awkward silence for quite a bit of time just staring at mr. strange sweaty man on my couch. or i could just walk up and talk to him. i chose that lattter rather than puting myself through the agony of the first. but the strange thing is. i used to be able to be alone. and i used to enjoy it. now im addicted to people i really am. i neeeed to be around them...even when im tired..and sick...and grumpy i prefer people to being alone. and i always need cuddle buddies. all the time. they make me feel warm and safe and loved. lol and at home i have my cat has to suffice and he can only keep my feet warm. and that makes me sad. i just need to hire a boy to always keep me warm. damnit they are always so warm. i bet u they were designed that way cause otherwise girls wouldnt really need them. but theyre just sooo comfy. i guess sometimes my own flamboyantness kind of makes other people feel more inhibited, but i dont really understand why. i mean i see it from their point of view, but i dont really recognize it as valid if u get what i mean. i mean if u were around a bunch of crazy people and u were shy...wouldnt it be easier to be crazy and just blend in rather than quiet and stick out like a sore thumb? oh btw im on cold medicine cause i is sickly so dont mind my ramblings. oh and another thing. wouldnt it be cool if u could fly upside down? like be like a bird except turn on ur back and u know just lay out n chill while ur flyin through the air? maybe i wanna grow up and be a human cannon ball. awww dude thatd be so cool. ooo i wish i could join a circus for like a year and learn all kinds of cool acrobatic tricks. they look so exciting. like i bet if i wanted to i could learn how to tight rope walk. itd just take hella lotta practice. or maybe i could do some crazy chinese acrobatic shit n throw cups in the air with my stomach. burps are weird. sry that was random. but they are. i mean shouldnt ur esophogas muscles not let that happen? but maybe airs just so liquid that it flows right on pass. right on brotha. dude southern spirituals are fun to sing. just not when ur sick. and did u know ppl in wisconson sound like canadian scotts? its soooo weird. and did u know wisconsin not only has allota cheese but they gots allotta russians too? crazy huh? well. ok im done.

2004-01-19T02:52:00.000-06:00

well to answer jerrys question i only conciously do that when i want something. otherwise yeah its usually subconcious but i do manipulate alot, so i guess its semi concious. blah blah blah blah blah. what shall i write about today. how bout i write about how sometimes i really do just love coporate america and cigarette companies. but please hold for brief word from our sponsers.

DeloreanKnev05: put down in your blog kevin koenig is the koolest kaptain on earth.

ok so im making this big collage for my room its prolly gonna b about one and half by five feet about..and yeah so ive been mutilating magazine after magazine scrounging for virtually monochromatic images for my spectrum of color thing. and i really appreciate alot of companies because they make beautiful art. i mean come on if u look at some ads they are friggin masterpieces. so what if they dont have a soul they have beauty. and another thing i found this really cool electron beam picture thingy and i was like hey that looks cool...and its a close up of a prostate cancer pollup. but hey it looks cool and thats what reeeeally matters. heh im such a vain and superficial biatch.

hey look ariel...paragraphs..neway why are we supposed to date people according to character. whats wrong with looks anyway. blah blah blah u should date a person for who they are not what they look like..but really why? i mean so what if they are shallow fake and pathetic...yet gorgeous u can make up for the lack of conversation by gazing at their luminous beauty. i mean im not necessarily endorsing looks over personality..cause that would screw me over...but what is the reasoning behind this prevailing belief. lots of unattractive people cheat/abuse/neglect their partners as do lots of attractive people. so if ur gonna date assholes rather than dating ugly creeps...u might as well date hot ones so u can appreciate their visual appeal at least.

oh another thing whats wrong with abnormalities or general weirdness? i mean normal people are pretty damn fucked up. i mean look at "mainstream" society? their lives are so incredibly wound up in matierality that it seems as if in order to compensate for any true purpose they lie to themselves to promote a sense of order. haha but dont we all. i mean what to cults do. they isolate people, make them feel accepted, and gradually feed them certain ideas...i.e. brain wash them. wait doesnt that sound familar, oh yes it does. schools, government, churches, groups of friends? they all do this. what kind of education isnt brainwashing. i mean whose going to absorb material if they feel rejected? blah blah blah promote acceptance of all people, with these ideas. yeah look at those people who are against democracy, we should wage kill them so the people can rule. yeah! go america! GO BUSH!

oooo more ranting..so i did pretty well this quarter but all of a sudden thats not good enough, my grades have to be BETTER! and yeah i need to start working on my college shit. and when am i going ot do anything productive huh? when am i going to start working ahead on my homework. damnit this is supposed to be relaxing, why cant my parents get off my mother fucking back?

2004-01-18T02:58:00.000-06:00

im in another very pensive mood. there are alot of things on my mind but i cant really pick ne particular thought out so im just going to ramble on as usual. its funny how hypetsensitive i am to smells. almost every nigth i go out i come home smelling like something else and then everytime i catch the scent of my shirt or hair i immeadiatly go over hte events of the evening in my head as if they were snapshots. like tonight i smell like chimney smoke cause i was at eleanors n they had one of her fireplaces goin. and the other night i smelled like one of my friends cologne cause he wears ALOT. and when i put my hoodie on i sorta have this glimpse of him in my head. but then again im like that with alot of things. certain things seem to remind me so strongly of certain people. im not sure why but my leather couches downstairs remind me of dawn. oh another thing its weird the amount of attachemtn i have to certain people, and yet i still seem to have a void of emotion. i had a really close friend growing up named zach, and since winter break i keep thinking of how close we were when we were little and how much time and space can pull things apart but never really seperate them. we grew up together. he basically was my childhood, and when i moved its almost as if i was forced to grow up while he wasnt...and were both waiting for things to be the same. its funny howhumans always need to improve we cant just plateau and be happy with it, yet we fear change sooo incredibly much. were such paradoxes. people are so damn complicated things would be so much simpler if we were just honest with ourselves. lol im one of the biggest perpertrators of this. im terribly good at rationalizing things out. plus i put too much faith in logic. so in the end i can basically persuade myself of nething and truely believe it. but then thats not what i really feel but thats what i think, and i go by what i think...then what i think becomes what i feel. and u know how that goes. so lets say i lie to myself. and im such a damn good liar that i believe it. then i share this now true to me belief with others...does that make me a liar? cause i think i do this alot..alot..and its become just natural for me to dissuade myself from experiencing any emotion. because i still have this thing in my mind where i see emotion as weakness. thank god im starting to grow out of that. lol my friend tol me today that im like a void. a void of emotion. and i was like thanks babe ur a sweetie..and of course it was no problem at all. speaking of which...i have extreme difficulty losing friends. i have this insane need to keep in touch...all the time even if i only chilled with the people a handful of times i keep an update on their lives n shit its kinda sad. like just over winter break i appologized for terrorizing this kid in second grade. and i called up some ppl i havent chilled with since like 6th grade. its some crazy shit watchin ppl grow up u know? some people dont change one bit, and other people, they just arent the same people anymore. id really like to be a fly on a wall being able to watch what goes on without my presence there to see how people actually act. another thing...here comes the teenagery ness...i dont really know who i am without other ppl around. im a very adaptive person. very calcuated and analytical as well. thats why most parents love me. judging by their kids i vaguely choose to emulate them and wear very not so much plain, but i dont wear daring clothing when im being introduced. i stragically do my hair and make up and coordinate the color scheme according to the overall feeling i get of the family. liberal/hippies go for exciting patterns which are stimulating and so they are more inclined to like u if u have something in common even if its on a subconcious level. natural colors are always good if ur not sure, and its nice to go with something very classic like a plain tshirt n a pair of nice jeans with one piece of jewelry to establish character. damnit i should write a book on this. but blue is a relaxing color if the family is very hectic. if the parents are rather opinionated red is a good color to go with because its a sign of power. pony tail for a light hearted young feel, part down the middle for an average sort of unnoticable, side for sophisticated, messy bun for trendy. heh heh. bringing freshbaked cookies scores points too. i do this with people as well because while i am very argumentative and opinionated i dont like my presence in itself to cause waves. id rather be able to articuate something without a strongly preformed opinion of myself due to dress or accent. and a great way to make people agree with u is to start with thing they will immeadiately agree with and ease them slowly into things that they sort of have to see the logic in due to their previous statements. its how socrates went about it as well...except he got hung for it for doing it in public and attacking the people. if u keep it comic you come across as "witty". body language does alot too. in fact its quite impressive how much people notice body language especially if u do it for affect. sitting with akles crossed elbows on ur knees head on hands creates a very vunerable and childish sort of pose. standing with one foot forward or just angling ur body in the direction of the person ur speaking to really helps u seem interested. relaxed half laying down are very inviting for people to engage in conversation because u come across as light hearted n chill. and by the way this all isnt just random all of these calcuations have to do with my above stated lying to myself. if im an actress almost all of the time calculating everything out am i being dishonest just because i want to be able to slide into place and sort of help set a general mood? i mean i do alot of things for effect just to see how people react, once again to aid in my great study of humanity. so am i being dishonest to everyone? lol i live my life as if its a job interview, playing the part while giving myself a character to play. i add depth to these characters by forming different opinions and attitudes so i always remain somewhat true to myself, or at least thats how i come across. its funny how often people make excuses for me when they are trying to be mad at someone else, yet i do the exact same thing. so they make excuses for me because im me..im different apparently. its funny i think the reason i cant take a compliment is because of americas pervailing attituded taht everyone is special in their own special way. get the fuck over it . were not all special. were not all going to be leaders. so criticize me already.

2004-01-08T17:05:00.000-06:00

ok thats the other thing ive been thinking about alot lately. why do we always want to put everything in these nice neat little boxes. i say its because our language is inadequate and that is why we express our meanings so awkwardly and poorly. There has to be another way we can truely communicate with each other. sure our language has gone past urg uga need food. ugh. UGH! FOOD (points at buffalo). but we are extremely limited. i mean what does limited mean, where is the line drawn where something is unlimited vs. something is limited. i mean any material thing on earth is limited but very often it described as unlimited. like unlimited potential. potential has to end somewhere doesnt it? some fat ceo with arthritis just isnt going to become the next fastest man, and unlimited growth potential in stocks...it can only get so big before its bubble bursts. sure it might supercede expected turnout but its not unlimited. so maybe im taking things too litereally. where is the line between litteral and figurative? so yeah i could go on with that but basically what im saying is the world is nothing but a series of multi-dimentional spectrums. circular in a sense, but with depth and constant change through time. ok that makes no sense right now but let me explain my new theory. theres a rainbow right? red orange yellow blue purple. but strangely enough there are six colors in the rainbow i learned when i was very little. ie i learned in chinese. there was a light blue, then blue then purple. i mean where does blue begin and purple end? isnt purple just a redder blue? and blue a less yellow green? now imagine it as a circle. these main colors are the outside. and they make a ring like a color wheel. got that? now make the very middle white fading to pastels then more and more vibrant colors. the vibrant colors are the "outside colors" now on the outside extend them and make them become deeper and deeper until they get blacker and blacker. but where are the greys? thats where things are complicated. now turn ur never ending circle into a cylinder now where the black is let it fade into lighter colors somewhere between grey and somewhere with very very very pale colors in this grey. now where the white is extend it so its gets darker and darker. so then this pattern keeps repeating itself for eternity. things get so light that they get darker then so dark they get lighter and there are all the colors in the world between them. ok i dont know how to explain it but in certain meeting areas between multiple areas of grey rather than only having light and dark meet the vibrantest (ie middle colors) they also meet each other and make shades of brown. now weve got three dimensions. pick ur favorite color and turn ur picture back over so its just that always expanding circle. my favorite color is a vibrant blue so in my head i put a dot right on that blue. and now to use my analogy....blue for me today is going to stand for manners and politeness. right now its on that bright blue.....but lets say in america its blue. and if u move to london policies are a bit different and it might be a navy blue go to china who knows it might be red? south africa? green perhaps. ur moving all across the board right? moving ur little dot around because thats where politeness stands in this culture. now if u throw in time we need to go to our three d version and move through it. different times in different parts of the culture dictate the shade/ color of where ur dot stands. lets say we station ourselves in the us. upper class u move up and its purple lower class is green. now as u move through time ur dots going to travel from light purple (going up because its going back in time (white for me is the beginning white light u get the idea)) and then down because ur going forward in time. u go from left to right...from lower to upper class. because middle class means something different in each era it could be pink in one century in one culture...and orange in another century in another culture. because the definitions of words always change because they are only relative to there context. ie frame of time and culture. so basically words are nothing but implications. so there are no lines on this big ol spectrum no true end to orange no true end to blue. it make look different but really its all the same you just cant see it. white light has all the components of all the colors you just cant see it. so we need "forms as words" so when i say blue you dont picture electric blue while im picturing sky blue. when i say green u dont think of grass green and i think of khaki green. and we dont need all of these awkward adjectives because once again they merely draw on our experience. what if i had darker grass than u did growing up. ur shade would still be different than mine. dark grass green to me is just a degree another implication of something darker than what i think normal green grass is. ok anyway i think u get my point. but this all started because i was going home and i looked at the fences and just how we try so hard to make the world fit our pretty little ideas of it. there is no difference between my property and your property. land is land. earth is earth. its all one big thing. its like when america first tried to by land from the native americans, owning land was like owning air, its just something continuous. sure it might smell different in the mountains than it does in the city but people dont sell their mountain air. we try and force the world to fit our nice neat boxy little ideas by building fences and buldings and leveling hills and bulding mountains. but were never complete in our actions. there are always loopholes. this never works because it is all one thing we cant change it forever and expect it to stay like that. everything is always in motion and everything is part of everything else. these lines mean nothing in the big picture our civilization will fall. our bulidings will crumble and something else will rise from our ashes. its just how things work. so why dont we instead adapt to our surroundings. rather than engineering red delicious apples so much so that they are indistinguishable to red delicious apples from 20 years ago. why dont we learn to like the fact that they used to taste really really good but werent perfectly red and perfectly shaped rather than what we have now. very pretty apples that taste like chalk. We humans live too of short lives to really see the big picture so we shouldnt try and make things fit today, we should make them fit tommorow because things take time and you never know how things turn out because you cant see through anothers eyes.

2004-01-08T16:27:00.000-06:00

its funny i only write when im stressed out. so here goes another prolly not so cheery post. well lets see i have so much fucking work to do but im terribly excitied that i get to sleep this weekend. oh the glory of sleep. in some ways its a big waste of time but at the same time its soooooo nice. btw right now im sitting here with my cat and i feel like doctor evil. but newhoos ive been thinking alot about thinking and how people think about thinking and how people think that different people think different. is this way of thinking just personality? and i one of those few weirdos that analyzes this sort of crap. i mean what is personality neway. the sum of a person characteristics? but isnt charisma and humor mostly thinking? i mean it might be on a subconcious level but its still thought. or is it. is the subconsious part nature. i mean take my typing here. im not thinking about typing or spelling it just sorta happens when i sit on my computer and want words to appear. i think appear and boom its there. so im not really thinking about typing, but learning how to type definately isnt nature. but perhaps its just second nature to me. is that what the baisis of personality is? their second nature meeting how they think? because how else would one express themselves if not through these two channels. and u know how some people just strike u as uptight or just strike u as artsy. is this assumtion just second nature...because most of the time its not concious thought thats doing this assumtion its just that sort of feeling u get from their demeanor. i mean where are the lines drawn. ARE THERE LINES?

2003-12-28T03:33:00.000-06:00

well well well i rather enjoyed my day. nothing in particular happened but i had tons of fun all the same. i got to watch my friend light a cigarette with a blow torch...see zach almost asshape jess...party at pep boys. get hit on by a bunch of "thugs" in a rusty pos. van wilder btw is a damn great movie. oh yeah and i got a back rub from some guy name andres. heh heh heh he went to massage school. heh heh. im such a lucky bitch. also my friends gf is selling her damn nice eclipse for 5000 bucks. im intersted. its a damn nice car. its so weird how laid back stuff here is, yet at the same time theres always so much drama. so many secrets...tensions btw ppl and its all underlying tho..never exactly exposed. i love coming back here i feel like i fit. yet then again i wouldnt want to have to deal with all the ppl gettin their shit jacked..ppl gettin jumped...the po pos at the schools n all that shit. but for the short while im here the freedom the excitement is refreshing. and most of my friends have gotten over their "hard ass druggie stage" n dont try and start shit for no reason. no ones really worried about school n that sort of shit. alot of them have graduated and they spend their time pimpiin out their cars. and oh the glorious cars...apparently someone just up the street had a lotus...*orgasm* yes a lotus. but their ass sold it. *sigh* thats ok i got to help my friend put new tail pipes on his very nice camaro. hehe. i feewl so spewcial. god i love it here. i just spent 3 hours playin super nintendo baby with my aunt. rock on.

2003-12-27T03:30:00.000-06:00

time for me to babble some mroe i foud out today that although i do like the coloir yellow its kind of too strong for my taste. i mean the color damn well hurts my eyes. and ive found that sadly ihave some respect for the south and its friendliness at least but in many other ways i find it kind of sad. weve bee....i mean be we my brother sister and i have been mocking my aunt forbeing fat...she has put on a bit of weight but honestly is that really a bad thing? supposedly its unhealthy but fashion has always dictated healthy vs not. btw as i type my eyes are closed so i appologize for any grieveious errors. i dont think im doing too bad so far but i am very tired but i still have this insane need to write. u know cats look very majestic sometimes. i dont know what it is about heir poise but it makes them look regal and proud. i wonder why people dont sit like that. im sure wed be much more indimidating creatures. oh yeah funny story. i was sitting in french class and i reandomy decided to sit up all straight and stuff and fold my hands on the dest and put on a lovely smile...u know ninteen fiftys style and i got scolded for it. how weird is that. slouching has become such the norm that sitting up straight is considered out of line. our generation is going to be one of hunchbacks. damn i just looked up and ive made very few typos so far. hmmm how curious. u know i think hats and masks should come back into fasion. that would be lovely. and i also think fabric needs to be cheaper. it makes me sad that often i could buy a shirt for less than buying the necessary fabric. its rather dissapointing the american economy discourages self sufficency. i need to buff my nails but i cant find a nail buffer and it makes me very sad. im exauseted i dont know what im still doing up im too tired to pick up my head. hmm i think my sister n brothe rmight b home from clubbin. perhaps not. speaking is weird. i wonder how we are able to coordinate so perfectly to utter such precise sounds. it really does amaze me sometimes. u know i love comedians they are so intellegent and often are merely being brutally honest and thats what makes things funnny. they just outright say the most outrageous things. it makes me terriblky happy. i think more places should have entertainment rather than just a stupid tv or radio playing. im all for live entertainment and well made art. i hate how artisans really have no place in our plastic society. if we all bought from local artists their shit owuldnt be so goddamn expensive u know? well im about to conk out on the compy so nighty night all.

2003-12-27T03:17:00.000-06:00

i appologize for being so neglectful and for this post. ive been quite busy so theres quite a few things stewing in my head and its really late so i cant gurantee any coherentness to this.

but basically i understand so little about the world and why there must be so much pain and lonliness? why do people ...even i fear connection so much that we sabbatoge our lives so that we can remain "alone and safe"? why cant people see the beauty that surrounds us in the little things? why cant we be oursleves and take pride in that? why do we have to hide ourselves from the world? why must things be so complicated? god i sound like such a teenage brat but honestly i am no more than that. its just that this world that we have created for ourselves is so inexplicable, so filled with hypocrisy and paradox that we lose sight of whats important. where is the joy? why do we force ourselves to be slaves to routine obeyers of the mundane? it truely saddens me how little people notice. why do things alwasy have to be different from what they already are? why must things always be pushed towards change? why do things have to move so goddamn fast? wheres the time to relish a moment? why am i filled with so many un answered questions? why do so many suffer needlessly because no one cares enough to lend a helping hand? people who ask for little recieve nothing while people who make outrageous demands are often satisfied. why is it so hard to love? why is it wrong to love? i dont mean this love in the romantic sense but wheres the love for our fellow man? why do sooo many people feel so terribly alone? why cant we simply come together and feel joy in being alive? theres so much in life that i take for granted every day but when i take the time to look around im simply awed by beauty and joy. sure there is pain and sorrow but they are nothing but shadows. why do people so often require the work of an artist to see beauty in things? why cant they see it with their own eyes? in the shadow of a lamp. the gentle folds of a worn blanket. the fallen branch, a single pebble or the golden sounds of a bubbling stream. what happened to human contact? why are we so inclined to distance ourselves...to force ourselves to use the most reamote sense of contact, where not even the persons handwriting is conveyed, no voice, no face. nothing but the words themselves. why do i so often find myself spilling such thoughts onto the web where they can be misinterpreted, misread or ignored rather than using these ideas to have a real conversation shared with someone else. why cant i bask in the sunlight without being looked at strangely? why does the taste of fresh air seem such a novelty? why am i taught to find the flaws and not what is right? why are people so quick to judge? why do so many things matter? why cant we just celebrate existence without making it religious or commericalizing it? can we not have a holiday for life itself? why do so many people see life as pointless? why is life so painful? why do we fear the pain? can we not use it as a tool to find true strength? why am i so weak? why cant people see the good in themselves. why are we so often not comfortable in our own skin? what happened to closeness? there are so many people that i want to get to know. that i want to actually spend time with. to be with. to experience. people are such a novelty to me. their words their gestures their poise amuse me so. but there is always so little time. a night spent talking can bring such joy but the next day it is followed with exaustion and pain? why must it be so? why are their so many demands? pushing pushing pushing. i cant bear the weight alone. ino people can hear be but why are they always so slow to respond. i know im not the only one in fact i would find it strange to find one person who doesnt ask such questions. why must "music" be the only true music? how many actually listen to the world go past? very few. rather than finding beauty in the barking of the dogs, the rolling wheels of passing cars, the hum of the radiator, and the occasional heaving rhythmic beat of a car with bass. we find it distracting, annoying. a nuisence rather than finding the melodies and the rhythms of it. theres so much to see to taste to hear to experience why would anyonen want to end their life? why would people not want to feel? a great amount of pain is worth it for a little joy. i only wish people would open up their eyes and souls and see all their is to see. the beauty. the pain. life.

wow that was weird incoherent and very very yuppieish no? but that sums up my current mood. b tw i spend most of today shopping for insence and candles.

2003-12-16T18:41:00.000-06:00

8 days? 8 fucking days that ive been neglecting my pooor wittle bloggy woggy! THIS IS AN ABOMINATION! ga!

2003-12-08T21:20:00.000-06:00

2003-12-08T21:11:00.000-06:00

you are darkkhaki
#BDB76B

Your dominant hues are red and green, so you're definately not afraid to get in and stir things up. You have no time for most people's concerns, you'd rather analyze with your head than be held back by some random "gut feeling".

Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan.

Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

2003-12-06T13:02:00.000-06:00

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee happpppy joy joy. u know what would be cooool? if when it rained the sun shined in a thousand different rainbows and shone with glory upon the earth. that would be lovely wouldnt it? ok since DAN didnt ans my question. i pose it to all who read this. ok u know the phrase beeline? do bees ever fly in lines? dont bees go around and around in circles? silly americains...AHHHHHHHH french THE FRENCHNESS IS EATING MY BRAIN!...btw my new analogy brain=playdoh. uhuh. hunk of goooeyness. who ever came up with the word goo...is a great great man. yes. yes indeedy doo. indoubidably. hehehe thats not a word. but there is a word that sounds like it uh huh uh huh uh huh. BLEH. grrrowl! seeeeeee stud prod it is FUN. lol but some things little silly subbies and freshman will not get. hehe. eleanor and amy and becca are fooonay. uhuh. tuhey are BARRELS of fun. yep. uhuh. wow incoherentness.

2003-11-29T01:28:00.000-06:00

i hate this i have been all hyper joyous and postive. all day long. iwas fun and giddy and it was great. i went one whole day without crying. and yet just now this wave of depression came over me. and all of a sudden i have this strong urge to go curl up in a dark corner somewhere andweep. instead i will write here and hope taht feeling goes away. here once again i spew my angst. i appologize to those who read this because i have been rather lax on putting anything thoughtful in here. its really a pity. i had some epitomies etc. but didnt bother to write them down so now ive forgotten them. i hate how i forget things. (note my sudden negativity) thinking happy things feels so fake and makes me want to cry more. its not even feeling sad. just really really empty. gr. this sucks. but on the bright side i got a pretty belt today. had good italian food. partyed in gadzooks and kb toy store. and even played dress up. i guess im just exhausted or something.. i dont even know anymore. perhaps i can keep lengthening these happy spells until they become my norm. dude that would rock. rock is such a strange word. it means two things really. one being the most stable. another which means motion. how ironic. or ironical as bolesta would say. well blah de blah de blah i layed down with my kitty cat for a while i feel better now. but very tired. so i shall sleep. gnite all.

2003-11-28T12:31:00.001-06:00

prettyful

2003-11-28T12:31:00.000-06:00

Your soul is bound to the Burning Rose: The
Rapture.

"I go where my heart beckons me, and I go
with my head high. But sometimes, I get a need
until I bleed so my heart swims above my
head."

The Burning Rose is associated with passion,
intensity, and desire. It is governed by the
god Eros and its sign is The Flame, or Physical
Love.

As a Burning Rose, you can get lost in the moment
if you let yourself. You are a very physical
person, be it in relationships, work, or play.
You may be driven by your hormones sometimes,
but you know it's because you have to follow
your instinct.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-11-28T12:24:00.000-06:00

You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

strange result this one.

2003-11-28T12:11:00.000-06:00

dooooooodie dooooodie dooo. no ones talking to me online so ill talk to myself here instead. hmm sad huh? not really im actually reaaally hyper. i dont know why. it could be because my brother popped all the vertebrae in my back so i dont have a tension headache....or it could be because my sister made me breakfast and didnt even make me come downstairs. there has been no major fighting. its rather impressive actually. hmmm rather weird. lalala im going to uh go and not ramble on my blog no mo. dat b right. i aint gonna waste no mo time.

2003-11-28T04:18:00.000-06:00

ok dude. is it a good thing to enjoy the feeling of not being attatched? not being grounded? (not as in restriction but tied to the world) in ur own little world numb yet content? i like it. its kind of hard to explain the feeling but if uve felt it u know what im talking about. rather than seeing with ur eyes u gaze through them like u would an opened door. yet ur in a different room. weirdness. but afterall it is four frikkin in the morning so im bound to be strange. hmmm i wonder what would happen if i just didnt pay attention to what i was typiung and went by train of thought. i appologize for any typos but im only looking up every few minutes to make sure im not off the home row, but then again im typing carefully so it shouldnt be too bad. bad. what a strange word. what does it mean? i mean its a negative but really what is that. many negative things are positive, or at least casue poisitive results hmm? yes thats right. then many positive things end in heroism but eventual sufferent. so are these words completely arbitrarty? the lenglish language is soooo ill concieve3d. i dont kow its like it just cant express enough. were trapped in individuality. u always have to be with urself. u can never truely be with someone else. ur always stuck with urself. in this goddamn body which enstranges u on this earth. i wonder what the human race would be like if we had a commmunal conciousness. like the BORG> haha im such a dork, but its the only exam[le that i can think of other than ants. but really. i dont think many people could bring themslves to commit crimes because often times its hard to see the outcomes of ur work. so instead we disconnect ourselves so we dont have to deal with it. kind of pathetic. its like the whle meat eating thing. alot of people very much prefer to completely deny the fact that a pig and that shrink wrapped pork chop are in any way related. i mean look at how people treat their pets. unless u grow up on a farm, most people would have a lot of problems slaughtering an animal. cleaning its dead carcass, taking off the skin, etc. then almost burning it. what we do now is so sanitized. i think its almost cheating. but i buy into it because its easier this way. well t hat was a long tangent but people erally do use alot of things so they dont have to face reality. i dont think we as human beings could deal with truely getting into another persons head. i think our pitiful little brains would collapse from the sheer quantity of bottled up emotion , and denied truths that are buried within each soul. denial is truely just a very important survival mechanism. thats what ive been thinking about alot lately. whether or not my mechanisms to prevent myself from ever feeling anything are actually all that bad. i mean lets see, co dependancy fixing other peoples problems so i dont have to fix my own, regression acting like a kid cause its easy, reclusion/immersion in groups/distractions. i mean im not actually doing nething that bad and yet its still causing me to flip out all the time. this is long and pointless but i like it. u know what ive been wondering for a long time now? what it means to like someone. i really never have. so i have no conception of what it would be like. would it be someone who makes u feel all warm and fuzzy inside? lots of my friends make me feel happy n safe= warm and fuzzy. so really what is it? that plus physical attration? but then what about all those happy couples where one is gorgeous and the others, well not. i dunno the human brains terribly confusing. but i really really do think that guys think in lines while girls thingk in circles. damn this is getting really long. and im getting kinda taarrred. so i suppose i will continue several of the tangents in hurr lata.

2003-11-27T23:41:00.000-06:00

u know the human mouth is a very very very strange organ. well lets start with the whole idea of breathing. u can suck air in. blow it out. then if u want tense up some muscles in ur throat n twist ur mouth around in order to produce speech. i mean i dont know about u but that takes a damn lot of coordination. then we can move on to eating. taking random plant and animal matter. mashing it up and converting it into energy? how the fuck does that whole thing work? i mean sure evolution blah blah blah. but still its a pretty weird concept. i mean who first decided to go suck a cow tit. or let that shit mold up a bit and make cheese. then theres the whole concept of kissing. i dont know about u but thats just really bizzare. i mean what are u attempting to do really? breathe in the other person? eat them? and then theres oral sex. time for this post to get a bit raunchy. if ur easily perturbed i reccomend u dont read the rest of this post.

warning to the queasy. explicit content.
ok so oral sex. why dont i lick/suck/caress something someone pisses/bleeds out of. i mean if u think about it the concept itself is rather foul. i mean think of all the shit that passes through that general area, and people are turned on by it? then theirs all manner of sexual innuendo to go along with it. like ice cream, what flavor. flowers n fruit etc for girls. guys for some reason dont really make an effort to make it seem nething other than primal. i mean has anyone here heard the song slob on my knob?
slob on my knob
like corn on the cob
check in with me
and do your job
lay on the bed
and give me head
dont have to ask
dont have to beg
juicy is my name
sex is my game
lets call the boys
lets run a train
squeeze on my nuts
lick on my butt
the natural curly hair
please dont touch
first find a mate
second find a place
third find a bag
to hide the whole face
real men grover
i said bend over
i started to knob
then came the odor
smelt like mush
shouldnt have a wush
told her to stop
and take a dush
once she did that
i didnt want the cat
so i vamped out
and never came back

suck a nigger dick or somein' x4

real effort to make it sound appealing huh? but back to the mouth issue. taste? what exactly do u accomplish by tasting things. smell i understand. but taste n smell are rather similar. but do u really need taste? well if something goes bad u would rather know it before it reaches ur mouth anyway. n its really such a warning system then why would their be rimming? or felching for that matter. oh god if u dont know what that is its sucking ur own cum from some guys ass. *shudder* yeah so theres a nasty little post. i hope u sick fucks enjoyed it.

2003-11-27T23:17:00.000-06:00

ok right now my niece is playing with a barbie doll. shes 8. right? but she also owns these obnoxious bratz dolls. n prolly one of those diva pieces of crap too. what kind of message are we sending to our children with these dolls? i mean barbies a blonde bimbo that cant even hold a job. and this stupid bratz doll says crap along the lines of "ascessories are the most important part of life" "does my hair look ok" etc. i find it a bit sickening.

2003-11-27T23:14:00.000-06:00

ok bensands i will write more. well first of all my moms been weird lately. it seems she has finnally begun to realize that there really is something off aboot me. and so shes been really weird lately. like she offered to take me over to a friends even tho she had said no earlier. and then later that night i had a friend of mine over till like 220. btw hes a guy. normally she kicks them out around 12. twas strange but i doubt ne of u care. so let me write more interesting things as we move along.

2003-11-27T03:01:00.000-06:00

what do u do when u see people u once knew fading away? i dont know but to me this world is made up of repetitionis of the same few people. they each serve a function. ive now had three friends who are almost the exact same person. its crazy. theyve all followed the same paths, had similiar mothers, even physical characteristics. and theyve all thrown so much away. it makes me sad. i mean ill always be there for them. always. no matter what. but theyre such smart sweet sad girls. i just wish sometimes theyd take a look around and try and see themselves for what their worth. im a goddamn sentimentalist ino. but they all mean alot to me. and i dont know what i would do if i lost one of them forever. i really dont. i mean ive been rather shitty lately and all of them no matter whats goin in their lives theyll drop their shit n help me out. im a terribly lucky person. terribly lucky.

2003-11-22T14:00:00.001-06:00

o btw im sane again and excedrin is my new best friend

2003-11-22T14:00:00.000-06:00

"ahhhhhhhh" that is the sound of my muscles screaming. i started basketball on friday. today is saturday. i cannot walk. correction i walk like i have a stick up my ass. i go up the stairs going (ee...eee...eee..owie..owie..ee) and i am sore from head to toe. but so far its been good its just that missing conditioning has its good and bad pts (missed it because of sectionals for swimming). u see when u swim u dont actually support your own body weight. ur only job is to make the water do as much of the work for u as possible by focusing on one little thing at a time. in bball u must be aware of so many things and so many people. so right now i respond to nothing except the sound of a gun. my reflexes are shot. and im kinda slow/have no endurance running. and i dont know plays n drills. but i didnt have to do conditioning, which rocks. but my bath is ready so i must go.

2003-11-17T22:38:00.000-06:00

i like people who arent in their right minds. right is boring.

2003-11-17T21:02:00.000-06:00

hmmm i love how people love to judge u. no matter what it is they choose to think shit happens. well all get over it. theres no point in hiding it. comeon now people are like onions they have LAYERS. theres more to everyone than u would think. theres always something that they dont tell u. shit dude no ones perfect but u know well work it out. sometimes it just takes some time. and just cause somepeople have one defining factor, like there bi, they have cancer, a physical abnormality, a pretty face something that not the usual. but that doesnt make them who they are. theres so much moooore. and just because some people hide things it doesnt mean theres nothing wrong. n just cause others dont doesnt nescarilly mean there seeking attention (although they usually are but u know there are some exceptions to every rule) . dude look past shit...look inside the bubble. bubble bubble bubble.

2003-11-17T18:14:00.000-06:00

well yes i have now joined the masses of adolescents that are drugged into submission to fit into americas sense of normality. but u know hopefully shitll get better now. maybe ill be able to function and not be all pissy/weepy all the time. i drew a pretty cool but really fucked up picture last night/early this morning. im wondering if i should submit it to unique. i like it its a fist clenching a bottle of vicodin with bright red veins in the wrist (the rest is black n white..or rather grayish cause of my bad shading) then on the side it says hurts less than today. i stole the whole concept offa some art website that had a pic of an arm of a cutter. it had just two semi healed slashes. it wasnt very artistic, just sad because it was an actual picture no lighting no effects, just a snapshot. and the title was duh hurts less than today. stuff like that makes me sad. people should be happy.

2003-11-17T00:28:00.000-06:00

ok well im pissy once again i lost a post but all i really said is there needs to be a subsitute for saying "im sorry" to sad people. because then they say its not ur fault, and ur left giving this pathetic little frown because u want to convey so much more and u cant. and saying "im sad for u" is what u really mean but that comes across weird. and what are u supposed to say in reply to that? thankyou? "thank you for being sad for me im glad u care"??? that sounds so fucked up. or u can say "dont be sad" but still its nice gesture so u dont really want to say that either because u dont want them to be sad but u dont want them not to give a fuck. well the english language needs much improvement. someone QUICK come up with a subsitute and post it as shout out.

2003-11-17T00:21:00.000-06:00

well now. i do post in these long long bunches dont i. i wonder why that is. i wonder why alot things are as they are. hmmm how strange (in the voice of that turtle dude from master of disguise). iiiiii wonder wonder whats in a wonder ballllll... dude they really need to have little eight notes symbols that u can put like ""s around phrases that u sing.

2003-11-16T03:29:00.000-06:00

oooh oooh oooh i get why people always pretend im different to make me or them feel better...the people they dont like are just like me except the dont understand then and why they do the stupid things they do. whereas i give thurough(sp??)...and i mean through and through explanations of why i do things. so i will continue to work (obnoxiously at times) until they can see things through the film of my bubble, and then things seem clear and justifiable.

2003-11-16T03:26:00.000-06:00

ok ok ok ok...another theory that i have been trying to fully develop but i havent gotten quite all the kinks out so feel welcome to debate with me on this. and when i ATTACK U...remember dont take it personally..im just kind of a bitch sometimes. but its basically everyone lives in there own little bubble and depending on how well that bubble fits with the "populace" bubble or what everybody things there bubble should look like. rather basic huh? the problem with bubbles is they pop at the slightest prick, so u spend so much time building up fortifications around ur bubble, that in the end hurt it more than they help. same with ppls fear of there bubble popping some people make a huuuge effort to keep there bubble from moving, so they dont hit nething in case there are dangerous things out htere. in the process they stretch out there bubble, and it becomes stiff, and doesnt move when it should etc. becomes brittle, then breaks. or thre are the ones whose bubbles are too fluid, they try and move too fast and go slow enough to see any obstacles and still have time to avoid them. well thats the beginning of my analogy. tear it to shreds.

2003-11-16T01:40:00.000-06:00

ok WHY ARE PEOPLE ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BY MAKING ME AN EXCEPTION. blah blah blah ITS DIFFERENT. my god IM ALWAYS AN EXCEPTION. because im SPECIAL. get the fuck over it. im no special than u are. and ur no more special than the next guy. were all rather pathetic in our own pathetic worlds we might as well except that and stop judging others if were not going to judge ourselves and our friends by the same yardstick. i am just as selfish as that girl u hate. i am just as whiney as that girl in ur lit class. im just as pathetic as that whole lot of people that u despise. u just choose to look at me differently, because ur "my friend" or somesuchshit. wake the hell up. were all annoying pathetic and sad. its a sick sad world. now SMILE!

2003-11-16T01:33:00.000-06:00

u know i always find myself wondering just what fasion will look like in the future, because it is the most arbitrary thing. someone says "pink is the new red" and BOOM as if god had spoken from the heavens...PINK is BACK and its EVERYWHERE. ok im exaggerating a bit, but u all know what im tlaking about. take jennifer anistons hair. ooh...hair... its so...hairy. i mean wtf..who the hell cares? sure its flattering on her but not on everyone. ooh like the blonde hair thing or the long hair thing on guys. hey guess what..it doesnt work on everybody. take a look around..and ask urself...in 20 years will i look back and cry?

2003-11-16T01:29:00.001-06:00

The things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first they love the produce of the second

2003-11-16T01:29:00.000-06:00

another thing, i really just need more hours in the day, but i really want to work on my serious lack of shading skills in drawing, and the only way for me to really be able to do that is to just sit and do still lifes for a couple of hours till i can get it to look right. another thing i want to do is take up photography, i always see these thigns that would make great drawings or shots, if u could just frame that moment in time and space it would look so cool. but i lack the skills to draw it, and i dont have a nice camera of my own. so yeah. gotta work on getting one. plus i have mad photoshop skills.

2003-11-16T01:26:00.000-06:00

im falling so behind in the world, not only with sleep and school, but im not keeping ABREAST of my friends issues as some people would say. ive been neglecting them a bit dedicating much of my time to the swim team because i owe them for so much. im not sure if i should do basketball or not. im not sure if i could handle it because while its physically testing like swimming, its not generally that rewarding, nor supportive. and alot of it is based on team dynamics and not just individual skill. so yeah. wow. i wish life had shit grips. something to hold onto while the rest of everything spins out of control.

2003-11-16T01:22:00.000-06:00

well u know what?? IM SUCH A FUCKING SPAZ! im one of those motherfucking dramatic freaks who turns on the water works every fucking day. its driving me crazy..or maybe its the other way around but heres how it goes. i can be giggling, chilling, whatever but as soon as i get a moment to myself or im left alone. even if its just for a minute or two i feel really depressed, then i either want to cry...or i just start balling. another strange thing..my tears and sobs dont go together. i can be sitting there laughing with tears running down my face, or i can be curled up in a ball sobbing..without shedding a tear. its really fucked up.

another thing, ive really come to the conclusion that only the needy help the needy. for example people carousing and having a great time rarely notice that person in the corner. only the people who used to sit in that corner, or the ones pretending to enjoy themselves, for the sake of "having fun" will go and see how they are. then some other people would be at a loss of words...or they would feel like they cant help..or would just feel awkward going over. so they stand around instead pretending as if they hadnt noticed. but that ends up weaning out the few who would take the walk over..the few who know just when to reach out and give u a hug when u need it most..flash u a smile..or say just the right things. sometimes its not quite enough to makes things better but still ur so grateful for that little bit of something. goddamn i need sedated im getting so emooootional. and i hate that. (note my use of hate..another EMOTION)

2003-11-13T18:05:00.000-06:00

dude im so tired. today i woke up at 420. ate. took a nap at 515 woke up. and now im about ready to go back to sleep. yesterday i came home n slept for 3 hours. im sooo lethargic. maybe in a past life i was a sloth. wow. that would be an exciting existence. being a sloth? hell yeah.

2003-11-11T23:11:00.000-06:00

and anyway a battery is something that stores energy that can later convert it to something substantially useful. and if u take into accound the sheer quanity of volts that course through our bodies (think synapses), fat is quite effective in producing electricity.

2003-11-11T23:08:00.000-06:00

ino but they can turn generators or something. think loads of obese people on hamster wheels gaining lean muscle, reducing there risk of heart disease, getting endorphins etc. plus the added benefit of the electricty produced.

2003-11-04T21:41:00.000-06:00

dooode u know i was talkin to zuke right? and he said in the past year hes probably run 1550 miles. my god! thats insanity. so u know i was thinking a while back, burning calories is the same as expelling stored energy. like fat is really nothing more than a big organic battery right? just think of all these calories burned lifting mettalic weights over and over again...what a waste! i mean suurrously dawg. all this should be harvested. and those xc runners? hook them up to these big hamster wheels and have them hooked up to big generators. think of the electricity we could produce this way. skinnier/buff ppl....more energy. i mean cmon wheres the downside?

2003-11-04T21:15:00.000-06:00

hmmm my capacities to be a heartless heartless bitch have once again been proved. my abilities not to take things personally, or at least try not to also has been proven. well some of u might already know, but ive had this horrible pounding headache for the past two days, and generally thats just me being fucked in the head and not actually sick. i tried sleep, drank lots of water, tried to relax, have some fun. none of it helped. i ended up basically crying yesterday after school n a tiny bit this morning. which is really unnatural cause i usually wont let myself until im alone. so today i took a nap. wrote like 3 and a half pages of introspection. then i asked my mom if she had talked to the pychologist that im supposed to see eventually. ive been bugging her about it for nearly a year now. so apparently shes talking to her "tommorow" this "tommorow" once went on so long that i waited for over a year, then moved and never did get to go somewhere she PROMISED my father would take me. so at a young age i learned to not believe this bullshit. so then i told her that she really should get arround to doing it i have been rather patient so far i mean its been nearly a year. but then she starts screaming about my accusations so i just camly repeat "i am what i am today because of the choices i made yesterday" type rhetoric. so then she started spazing but i couldnt help but follow her around the house and point the obvious out to her. like everything i told her was honestly true like i have never claimed not to be a pompous bitch, i want to live a life without regret, i dont want to spend my entire life blaming the world for things i could have changed. i want to grab every oppurtunity and other random bullshit that i wished i could follow. her response of course was "the only thing i regret is not having an abortion" "you dont deserve anything" "you look like a sick fish" "you have no right ___" i really dont get the whole fish thing, maybe its a fetish. but yeah i told her i didnt think she was fit to drive, but shes been gone for several hours now. i do wonder where she went. but yeah once again she wants me to move out. fun stuff huh?

2003-11-02T00:02:00.000-06:00

well well well...im turning into such a lazy ass. so time to make up for lost time. to start off with, people are like onions. they have layers. duh, right? well i was at pt and i was like yeah my elbow hurts, so my physical therapist took his thumb and jammed it into my back and was like does that make it hurt? i was like yeah, actually it does. its like alot of times things dont surface the way ud expect them too. like the other day i was talking to someone who i had always seen as a bit sheltered and delicate, and we were talking and its scary just how much shes been through, and how shes able to still hold it together. i was like damn, i had no idea. then there other ppl who live there perfect lives..then they turn 18 and cant deal with anything. at all. they dont even know how to do work, study, deal with people, or problems.
yeah and i was talking to josie about how some people are just a bit off..like theres nothing wrong with them, but they dont seem quite together. and it always has some underlying cause thats usually pretty hard to find, but once u do everything falls into place and u understand why they are how they are. lol its so weird, the world is like one big experiment to me. its just something i can sit around observe and try and understand, i think i should start a book now, and continue it throughout the rest of my life and have it illustrate just how much ppl change.

2003-10-28T19:13:00.000-06:00

oh well this wasnt in my last post that DIED, but its weird...im online so much now...that..ok that will make me sound crazier than i am. ok u know how sometimes if ur reading a book, and u get into the dialogue, u can actually hear the inflection and how there saying things? well ive started doing that online. especially phrases i hear in person. of course all there is, is type, but i hear their voice, their tone, their inflection, echoed from the depths of my mind. its kinda weird but sorta cool. but in anycase it means i spend waaaaay too much time online.

2003-10-28T18:36:00.000-06:00

ooooooooooh im fuckin gonna kill sombody i had this looong ass post...like a page at least. and its goone. all cause i clicked a fucking link. can u say pissed? im pissed. but perhaps i will repost later.

2003-10-26T18:01:00.000-06:00

ok no stealing this wonderful idea. but u know how eating mass quantities of chocolate results in the chemical equivilant of loooove? well what if we were to extract the chemical compound that makes u produce endorphins and put it into a lovely little pill. ud get all the benefits of chocolate - the fat n sugar..and rotting teeth. wouldnt that be great? i think it would be.

2003-10-26T03:17:00.000-06:00

i think im alot more aware of myself than most people. our culture tends to force into these nice neat defined boxes and make us travel these straight paths. but thats not how were made to work. i shouldnt live my life depending on how well i fit a definition..and follow some predetermined outline. i mean lets take 7 step programs..sure its easier that way but it rarely works. and power writing. u cant describe life by filling in the blank. sure u can learn the basics that way but later on we need to learn to expand and not live in these little boxes. with time broken down into periods, time really isnt minutes hours and days. its a continum. and most of the day i live in my head, and im completely unaware of my body and how it feels, unless it hurts. that cant be healthy. so every once in a while, i make an effort to become aware of how i sit. how i breathe...all these things that go unnoticed. and i mean swimming really does make u understand ur body better. like little things like head position, placement of ur hips matter. u learn to control ur shoulders and hips with ur torso. placing ur mind in different areas of ur body like elbows and becoming aware of how ur moving makes u so much more in control. dance does this too...hehe i hate how it sounds but it awakens u. u find parts of u that u didnt really know about. like if u can figure out a dance move...ur like i didnt know i had that my legs could do that. and if u do it for a while u hurt in places u didnt know u had.

2003-10-26T03:01:00.000-06:00

ok fine another depressed whiney post. i just cant stop myself forgive my dramatics. but its like the world is falling down around me...and all i can do is smile. if i let my smile go i think ill cry. i mean its not that lifes so bad..theres just so much shit. and no time to take a break. everything is responisibilites and routine. my god i hate being trapped in this cycle. i mean i can handle one thing at a time sure. but when everything just piles up..and i have to carry it all with me..even when im trying to just chill. im crushed beneath it. i cant really enjoy the things i like doing because i feel like im wasting my time and i should be doing something productive.

and ino im just displacing blame but...i think alot of it is due to the stress uni puts on its students. yes ino alot of ppl thrive under pressure...but im not one of those ppl. i like being relaxed and spontaneous. when placed under pressure from outside sources i buckle, and start to crumble. i mean first of all..sure alot of uni kids are smart to begin with..but most of them get there because either they themselves put alot of pressure on themselves..or their parents do. im not big on grades cause ive never been a great test taker, i end up second guessing myself and that sort of thing so mutiple choice and math in general is hell for me. but ive always pushed myself to really learn and understand concepts..and then i have stress about everything from my parents. stress from school. stress from friends. physical stress from swimming, then dealing with the pain n feeling sick all the time...plus the heightened emotional stress from swimming. and it always all gets bad at once. then things just get bad. but things will look up in a couple weeks. i just need to hold it together.

2003-10-26T01:44:00.000-06:00

well i suppose ive found my "group personality" you know how in groups ppl always serve a role? i guess im the bully. but in a pseudo wanna be funny sort of way. like ill make fun in a really bitter bitchy way...but im kidding. hmmm i ought to make an effort to be less of a bitch in large groups..because ino if i try hard enough i can be nice.

2003-10-25T01:21:00.000-05:00

hehe i wrote alot again. :D

2003-10-25T01:20:00.000-05:00

ok ok ok a topic that im not too distracted to write about because it doesnt require breaking things down into a coherent manner. well ok i moved here what 5 yrs ago or something? i mean lots of people move all the time. but it doesnt seem to have as much of a profound effect on them its like oh yeah new place same thing tho. but for me..it destroyed my world and im still trying to build it back. i guess it was just the timing of it all. not having ne friends like me in 5th grade. i mean rose kory and i were very good friends and shes a very sweet girl..but she and i are on different wavelengths. and she was my only friend. 6th grade was fun. built back a mini world..u know a good start. but then uni tore that apart too. (btw my world is friends oriented not family...always has been..prolly always will be)

ok heres the thing. ppl here function kinda differently then what i grew up with and thought was the norm. first of all i slept late woke up late. this started in like preschool i had afternoon preschool..and i woke up about an hour b4. went to bed around 11 or midnight. so that is my natural sleep pattern. two. hanging out was/is so much less formal. i didnt grow up with play groups. i just got walked over to my friends house where we would play outside..mostly unsupervised for hours and hours till we came in for food. and mayb its just cherry hills or something. but in PA ppl would just drop in. id go to zachs house...let myself in the back...and hang out with his family if he wasnt there. same with rachel n meri. just go. and kids were out till i dno 10 ish. we had neighborhood jail break parties at zachs n stuff like that. it was very together and very informal.

whereas here plans must be made...always call far in advance...have set groups...u need to ask if its ok to bring extra ppl along.. n that stuffs seen just seen as common courtesy here. and ever since we moved here my parents have had this insane obsession with darkness. like its too dark out. or 10:30s too late to be in public (ie the movies) what kind of shit is that? i mean id just be around the neighborhood when i was 9 yrs old after dark..you know just hanging out in someones front yard...sometimes at zachs house till 11. and here... u dont see neone in the neighborhood after like 8ish. and soon all the lights are out. and its still. so picturesque its scary. but u know i have the feeling that its a cherryhills/subdivision thing. cause my parents dont know there parents etc.

i hear alot of ppl whining about the lack of spontenitaty at uni but i guess its cause were so overloaded with work that we always have to manage our time to fit a social life in. once i get a car tho..things..esp the summer will be much more exciting.

2003-10-25T00:40:00.000-05:00

ok my theories about circles. hehe such a womanly sort of thing...distracted for now but i will continue this one i promise..because it has philosophy history stereotypes and boys vs girls all mixed up.

2003-10-25T00:35:00.000-05:00

you know things would be so much better if we had a communal/continuous concience. cause everyone has to relearn everything thats already been around. and then we waste time having "epiphanys"..and formulating them..when someone has already done that work for us. so with every generation that dies off we lose so much. i wish i could talk to the oldest person alive..that is if there still coherent etc. and ask them just how things have changed. i mean sure i can read about it in books etc. but these people have seen it lived it. i mean think about the past 100 years, i mean lets say u were born in a small village just like villages of the ancient times with perhaps some electricity..and limited running water...to today where civilization hinges on computers air conditioning is seen as mandatory. i mean really today our standards of living are far higher than the ancient kings of the past.

ino ppl have been saying this every year for god knows how long, but i have the feeling that were headed towards another black death sort of thing. because sure were progressing techonolgically, but societies are stagnating...governtments are becoming infamous for corruption. same with corporations. so pretty soon theres going to be some social overturn. i mean think about pop culture. if it goes much further its going to be straight up porn. and alot of dance today is in essence dry sex. so i dno ill give it 50 yrs...either its going be "anarchy" or leave it to beaver.

2003-10-25T00:27:00.000-05:00

yeah you know its funny. even though im in a decent mood...i have this horrible urge to continue my whining. its prolly cause im grumpy cause my tummy huwtz...but still, yelling and whining isnt productive at all. in fact its counter productive because then you focus on the negative, rather than the positive. then why is it my nature to do so? what primitive purpose did it serve? alerting/informing of dangers/other bad stuff? i suppose so. instead i should focus on the positive..but then i feel like such a yuppy tree hugger.

oh that reminds me. i hate it when people point other ppls flaws out to me. because on my own i wont notice it. but when u point it out..then i see it. and then i cant stop seeing it. and then im just as annoyed as they are. and its really frustrating because i could have stayed in my semiblissful oblivion. and its not even that im always looking for the best in people. i just think everyone has there reasons for everything...even if it is kind of aggravating so u cant really blame them. and by avoiding them etc. u just perpetuate there evil cycle things. and it wont stop until they are truely accepted/accept themselves for who they are. so help them along and b nice. itll b easier for the both in the long run. ull stop being so annoyed. and theyll stop being so annoying eventually. once again i appolgize but ive been very edgy and irritated lately. bad headache. so people being obnoxiously loud have really bothered me.

2003-10-25T00:17:00.000-05:00

wow...im really really moody. i was skimming over my posts and its like damn welcome to moody teenager 101. i really hate it when im teenagerish. here i go with the whole voices in my head thing. "stop being immature"..but i cant im only 15 remember?.. "too bad suck it up and grow up"...but i dunwanna its not time yet.."goddamnit child"..dont yell at me it makes me sad..."ur being stupid"...ino, but its hard.."lifes hard its a bitch whine whine whine get over it"...*pout*.

2003-10-25T00:09:00.000-05:00

ok its funny how generally defense mechanisms perpetuate the situation people try to save themselves from. i mean alot of people who have trouble making friends, once they do make some, they cling and complain about how they never make friends, which is the reason why they cant make friends in the first place. or there are those who arent naturally outgoing, but then to get noticed, or fit in better there loud..but in an awkward..almost jerky/delayed...sort of way..which just further isolates them and makes them even further out of place. or because im tired..i cant do my work..so i dont sleep..so i can be more tired...same goes for being sick. or obese...sad->eat->get fat->sad->eat. oh something i used to do alot. convince myself no one likes me..whine abotu that alot..then people actually didnt like me..and so on. and injuries. my god. im completely falling apart which is sad because im not good or nething..and im not even one of those ppl who pushes themselves reallly realllly hard to get better. i just hurt...so i over compensate with something else..so that hurts..so now all of my joints hurt. and i was doing so well at the beginning of the season. no bad knees and my shoulders were fine until i started doing backstroke. now i just hurt. and i think the painkillers i was taking are making my stomach consume itself. gr. really shitty week i apologize for the pissyness of these posts.

2003-10-24T23:43:00.000-05:00

well ok, my master plan to get more things done. i actually had a conversation with ms dade about this. but i need to concentrate on getting one thing done at a time. and elimate my distractions. and just work for a solid half an hour rather than sitting staring at a blank sheet of paper for five hours hoping my paper will write itself. i waste so much time. like rather than working ill read peoples profiles....do laundery..anything but work on what i need to be doing. when i feel bored im going to try and do work rather than going online or watching tv. its funny how tv and aim can just devour your day. i can sit here doing nothing for hours and hours and hours. its so sad. but its like im not at home nemore. im just somwhere else. i block everything out and escape. hmmm and it feels so much better just sitting...here, but then i fall asleep, and then i lose 3 hours. damn i need to escape this cycle of perpetual exaustion and just fuck hw past 8 one week. yeah yeah ill never go through with it..but i have a plan. thats the first step.

2003-10-24T23:03:00.000-05:00

goddamn its been a while huh..well i suppose 5 days isnt too bad, but if ur super compulsive it is. well to start off i have been busy as HELL all week and i am so glad this hell will be over by monday. *sigh* i had so many things to write about...but i didnt have time to jot them down. maybe ill rememeber later tonight.

2003-10-19T21:18:00.000-05:00

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

compliments of ted from iowa.

2003-10-19T16:52:00.000-05:00

you know, ive been sick, the weathers been dry, and my skins been kind of aggravated lately. so what do i do. well, i take my blender and pulverize the equivalent of a normal persons breakfast and slather it on my face. ok unless ur a chick whose as obsessed with diy face masks as me, your probably very very confused. so here let me break down some more of america's weirdness for you. i take an egg, honey, some oatmeal, yogurt, perhaps a bit of cream, a banana and pop it all into a blender until it turns to mush. then i take it and warm it in the microwave. yes..i cook it. then i take this delightful mixture and slather it all over my face. mhmm. eventually after it begins to dry (yum) i wash it off, and make some tea...once again i do not drink this tea..i once again slather it all over my face. and if i have the time i might even steam my face, yes basically in the same sense that one steams vegetables. oh and another thing, have u ever wondered what exactly exfoliation is? its basically taking something with the consistency of sandpaper and scraping the dead skin off of your body..to produce a "healthy glow" well that was todays inside look into american home beauty. next week moisturizers and lipids. and women wonder why men dont understand us.

2003-10-18T21:44:00.000-05:00

ok next thing..started as my intro for my english paper on addiction. then it turned into kirrils first lesson on writing. well heres the result. i realize its cliche blah blah...but i thought it sounded kind of nifty. and cliches..doing whats been done..is often the best way to start off neway. gaa im making excuses.

Alone on this cold tile floor. i sit with this needle, shaking in my hand. i know that it is killing me, tearing me apart, leaving me nothing. everything ive worked so hard for, ive sacrificed for, all that ive wanted. it has all been taken from me. this sends me to heaven and back. i take the needle. watch it break the skin. i take the deathly cold steel blade, and point it towards me. i feel it in me. the me thats full of so much pain. its because of this, i feel empty but then, i feel that familar prick and pop, and know ive found it. i vowed i would stop, but i cant...i cant. i close my eyes and take a breath, with shaking hands i....push the plunger in. i feel that swift surge of relief, my arm relaxing, my senses dimming. i hear melodious voices, far in the distance. i see the light and i am you.

2003-10-18T20:45:00.000-05:00

gaaaaaaaaa post must....resist....urge...to...write..an..o..ther...post. *sigh* no willpower. none at all. "armygurl131: but usually i have so many windows open and i have so much hw that im uspposed to do that i dont care" dah once again proving my point that i overextend myself so i dont have to deal with the trival. i mean sometimes im kind of spacy online. like i just wont talk for a really long time. its not cause i dont want to talk to u or nething...but im usually having extremely involved theolical debates or working someone through matters of grave consequnce..or im blogging..or SHOCK reading. not necessarily my hw tho. i distract myself so i dont have to deal with me or small talk. i dont know why i dont like small talk but i dont. it bothers me. for me talking is more of a way to convey something..not just ruin the silence.

2003-10-18T19:10:00.000-05:00

hmmm i have more to write but no TIME. AHHHHH! stuff to keep in mind. chillin with different folks with different strokes. plan to have more time and get things done.

2003-10-18T19:09:00.000-05:00

ok now onto HELL. well personally i don think there is cause of the human blobi..yeah. so well thanks once again to BENSANDS. the sexiest lesbian black man he is...i was reading sandman again. and its whole speal on hell made alot of sense to me. well lets start off with the fact that for now im a cultural relativist. and everything is right in some way even if it is kind of twisted. because ok how can you be punished for something that you thought was right? (this is socrates whole thing) i mean if u thought by killing someone you were doing the world good...u were doing good...at least in your mind right? so if u thought u were doing right..but according to someone else its wrong..then u accidently, unknowingly commited a wrong. so now what? u get sentenced to an eternity in hell? that doesnt make sense or seem fair especially if you believe in a super good loves all people benevolent save ur souls blah blah god. also as eli was sayin one night...an ETERNITY OF ULTIMATE PAIN AND SUFFERING just cause u screwed up a couple times in a mere 80 yrs or so on earth? thats not exactly fair either. according to mario hell is nothing more than the absence of god. no u athiests arent on hell now cause in his theory the world is full of gods creations the sky the moon blah blah blah... and so all u need to do is accept god in order to have eternal salvation. but lets say i reject him. so what do we have...my one little fuck up in my 80 some years on earth. so now sandman. well in that hells not a place u go to. its the kind of thing you carry with you. poor satans always blamed. satan made me do it. blah blah blah. he doesnt make anyone do nething he doesnt live your life for u. what does he care? his existance does not depend on ur pathetic life. its your fault u did what u did...so when u do do something that u think is wrong..horribly wrong u go to hell where u punish yourself for ur wrong doings. the demons and etc oblige u. u sit there in hell like some maschocistic freak of nature saying ive been so bad beat me, burn me, eat me,tear me. and they just do as their asked. hell is just a reflection of heaven its just a part of gods master plan. see now if u believe in hell doesnt that one at least make some sense?

2003-10-18T18:41:00.000-05:00

well well well i have been neglecting my poor wittle bloggy woggy. yep but i have been busy, its not that ive not had things to talk about. cause i alllways have things to talk about. well yes. my satan dream. well i was satan and i was somehow not in a body, but i was able to see the vast stretches of my domain. the dark rolling hills were set against a blood red sky. i called upon the sun and moon to rise up and to dance across the bloody sky. i had power. it was beautiful. and all was well. heh heh...i dont have delusions of grandeur or nething. yeah and then my theories about hell. well personallly i dont really think there IS a hell because of my human blobbyness theory. wait i never did discuss that. ok

HUMAN BLOBBYNESS THEORY

ok now how did i explain this...hmmm. well i've always sort of had a feeling that were connected somehow. like were part of the same thing. ok. wait. lets start out with my belief that there is no INDIVIDUAL. u can be a "unique" compilation of various traits but thats not the same thing as being ONE thing. its more like the sum of a group. a good analogy would be letters making up words..put them together make "unique" sentences etc. but thats a group of things not just one thing. ok u get it. so its the same way with people. no ones actually alone. because theres never just ONE thing in this universe. there prolly isnt just one universe for that matter. "oh yeah well theres just one earth"..noo cause u dont know that and earth is nothing other than an arbitrary name for this big hunk of rock we live on. for all we know there could be plenty of "earths." the sun is just another one of those billion stars. ok neway. so were all part of the same. because i think were all different facets of a greater MIND. and we all just serving as a part of it. so when you die u either just stop being. or if ur special...and u made an especially good human...u were efficent in the goal of the MIND and u served ur purpose well ull be reasimilated into this big blobby mind and perhaps a little bit of u after it had been mixed with the blobbyness will be splurted back out as someone else. i dno these arent firm beliefs of mine it just sorta makes sense. maybe this MIND is god. maybe it isnt. maybe theres nothing beyond this material world. that would kind of be a pity..but hey lifes full of dissapointments.

2003-10-16T20:16:00.000-05:00

hmmm i should have something interesting to say but i dont have the capacity to develop it right now, but levels of human decency and capabilities. and my satan dream damn that was cool.

2003-10-16T19:33:00.000-05:00

ok everyone...i was going to post something yesterday..but i forgot what i was. i told bensands to remember for me. hopefully that will work. but neway its funny i've been getting progressively happier this year. not less stressed but just more cheerful and alot less spastic and moody. if this keeps going by the end of the year ill be delirously happy.

2003-10-14T22:47:00.000-05:00

ooh more bitching about guys vs girls WHY ARE BOYS SO WARM? damnit im always cold and it sucks ass.

yes shout outs..its funny how they can make one feel loved and cared about (HINT HINT)..i mean look at jerry and bensands and there shoutout whoring ways. caseyroth who doesnt bother to read posts..just shout outs..josie who had a friggin forum for a while. but sometimes i think id b intereresting to know who reads all this shit i put out for the world to see. i wonder if famous authors ever think about them. all these ppl whose faces theyll never see, knowing so much about them. well ill prolly see their faces but still. its just so one sided. im like a monkey..who by my own freewill decided to put myself in a cage to be studied or at least watched for entertainment. but i guess this way it keeps my mind from being befuddled by the wishes of my barely existant audience. sigh i guess..

2003-10-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

oh yeah..lately ive been thinking since my little "group" has kind of gone its seperate ways.. i really have nothing to be identified with at all. i mean i was always on the outside of it..but i mean still generally i identify ppl by who they eat lunch with. its just convient that way. so i have absolutely no clue how i am percieved at all. i cant think of ne stereotype that i fit. def not FOB..too much of a rice cracker..not prep dont care enough..not punk not that into music nor activism/rebellion...not computer geek cause i cant do jack with a comp and im not a gamer either...daaaaaaaah. so i have no clue how ppl percieve me and this bothers me cause then i have nothing to contrast my own self perception which is probably horribly skewed and distorted. and i cant ask ppl how im percieved because the only ppl i talk to are my friends and if i disagreed with them.. id get another self esteem lecture. and thats not what i want. damn if there was only an objective person to ask. hmm comments neone?